The light brown elixir pours slowly from the gold ladle into the white, ceramic coffee mug. I give thanks for this spicy Indian concoction of herbs and milk. It awakens my fading senses to enjoy the activities of the night. People are singing and praising God inside the temple. Others are eating and talking on the patio. A circle forms around a campfire. Some meditate while others are jubilant and frolicking in the light of the full moon.
As I observe in wonder and openness, I pray for guidance. A gentleman invites me to sit on the grass next to him and soak in the earth energy. He suggests I be at ease. In that moment, I realize how I am guarding. I am holding it all together at my job and at home as a single mom. I am buzzing from chronic adrenalin and chai tea. This man has a serenity about him to which I am drawn. My body responds with a clear yes to him. I feel he can hold space for my merging with this place and my deepest self.
Earlier in the day, I noticed how I was not yet rooted here in Taos. Although I have the home, the job, and spiritual community, I feel as though I am hovering. I am maintaining an exit strategy, just in case. It is my commitment phobia like I have in relationships.
Sitting next to this man made me aware of my desire to be anchored. This was a man of the land. He was from the pueblo where his ancestors lived for thousands of years. He spent most of his time outdoors in nature. He had made a successful business for himself. He was joyful, playful, generous and present in the moment. Our interaction was one of graceful ease. I let myself laugh like a child, and later cry as he helped me acknowledge my priceless worth.
There is something about the smell of a man and the secure feeling of his firm embrace that heals a woman if she does not get caught in lust and fantasy. Physical pleasures in harmony with our intellect(long-term goals/values) are gifts from God. This man is not the one to anchor me here. His presence and innocent affection whet my appetite for a life partner with whom I can eventually commit. For now, I embrace the growth from my solo journey.